


Dagger of Love

by SofiaHolmes



Category: Star Trek: Mirror Universe, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Dagger of the Mind, Episode: s01e03 The Enemy Within, Episode: s02e05 Amok Time, First Time, M/M, Suicide Attempt, T'hy'la Big Bang, T'hy'la Big Bang 2016, mention of T'Pring/Stonn, slight change of timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 22:11:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6027271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SofiaHolmes/pseuds/SofiaHolmes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"May we never find space so vast, planets so cold, heart and mind so empty that, we cannot fill them with love and warmth."‐ Dagger of the Mind</p>
<p>After what happened in Tantalus colony, Kirk and Spock must confront with their biggest fear, an emotion called love. A mirrorverse retelling of the Enemy Within, Dagger of the Mind and Amok Time. </p>
<p>Written for T'hy'la Big Bang 2016</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dagger of Love

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to my fantastic artist and beta Reapersun!!! Without your help this fic would never be as good as it is now!
> 
> Go check out her beautiful art here: http://reapersun.tumblr.com/post/139386514882/for-the-thylabigbang-i-teamed-up-with-sofiaholmes
> 
> Also thank you TBB mods and @joandaro for your support while I'm writing this story. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this! :D

 

The pain in his chest reached its peak after he pushed the button on the Tantalus field, after he watched the form of Helen Noel disappear. Never before had Kirk felt like this when he used this device on those who he was determined to destroy, but after what happened today... Kirk let out a shaky breath, feeling the sting spread in his palms.

He knew exactly why he would react this way. The brainwashing machine... the pain... the fear...

_He fought viciously when Dr. Adams' assistants pushed him into the room, forced him into the chair. He really tried, but the restraints were far too strong. He saw the dead bodies of his guards being dragged away. He remembered how their limbs twisted in an unnatural way and the horror on their faces when they struggled in this chair. But then Adams turned on the machine. The blinding white light seized him and nothing mattered anymore. The slight uneasiness made him want to shift in the chair uncomfortably. Adam's voice seemed right inside his mind._

_"You are madly in love with Helen, Captain." Madness came with those words, searing Kirk's mind. He felt as if thousands voices chant_ _ed_ _in his mind. Telling him to love Helen. You love Helen. You love her. Love her._

_"You'd lie, cheat, steal for her, sacrifice your career, your reputation." No, no! He wouldn't! He would never risk everything he had, everything he... But suddenly the pain intensified. Kirk arched his back, his head felt_ _like it was in a vice_ _. He couldn't breathe and the pain brought reluctant tears to his eyes. He was still resisting, only to make the pain‐ the longing for the woman_ _-_ _worse._

_He wanted to say "No," but he opened his mouth, and whispered in shaky voice: "Helen," repeating everything he heard:_

_"For years, I've loved you."_

_The pain was strong, but it was not from the machine. Rather, it was from Kirk himself. His mind and his body were tortured because of this lie, but he was too weak to take the words back. He was too weak..._

_Adams' voice resounded, “Now Captain, take all your weapons‐ your dagger, your phaser, all of them, and drop them on the floor. You must obey me, or the pain will only get worse. Kirk’s breathing_ _was_ _labored. Dimly, he realized his body was shaking violently. He didn’t even think he would have enough strength to lift his hands. But alas, he followed the order._

_“Very good, Captain Kirk. Now, use your communicator, and tell your crew to beam down. Surrender your ship to me. Stay in this damn hell for the rest of your life while I’m finally free!”_

_No, no... Kirk was pretty sure he was crying openly right now. But surrendering his ship, it was like suicide to him. Adams must have seen his hesitation, because he turned the machine to maximum. “Obey me, Kirk!” the mad man shouted, “Obey me, or you’ll lose Helen forever!”_

_His voice echoed in Kirk’s mind. “Tell me, Kirk, can you bear the pain of losing your loved one?”_

_A sudden, strange calm hit Kirk. The pain still existed, still intense , but at this moment his mind was clear. He_ _c_ _ould live without his lover, but he was doomed if he ever let go of his ship. Without his starship, he was no Captain. His anger summoned his last strength._

_“Never!” He snarled before he passed out. In darkness, he still saw the blinding white light._

Kirk sighed. He wandered over to his replicator and grabbed himself a bottle of strong wine. When he lifted the drink to his mouth, he found himself still shaking slightly. He hated it. The moments in that room made him feel so exposed, so... vulnerable. And worse, he saw how weak he could be, how mere pain could break his mind, make him obey every single command. He would never be a Captain like this. He had to be stronger, even if that meant he had to bear the pain of loneliness.

The rest of the incident was a blur, but Kirk remembered how Spock found him down there, killed the guards without blinking an eye.

“Captain.” That was the first thing the Vulcan said to him. Unlike Adams’ words, there was no sarcasm in his voice. It was plain, but Kirk could also sense something underneath, just unable to pinpoint it.

If it was not for Spock, he would still be on that hell of a planet, a mindless tool. Kirk shivered in anger and fear. Thank gods, Spock...

Kirk frowned.

It had always been Spock. To save him. Kirk was Spock’s Captain for almost a year; before that, he served with Spock under Pike for a year. He still remembered how motionless the Vulcan was when Kirk asked him, first officer of Pike, to help him kill the old Captain. When Kirk succeeded, he also kept an extra eye on Spock. Though Spock was Kirk’s first officer now, who said the Vulcan wouldn’t betray him like he did Pike?

Strangely, Kirk knew he could always count on Spock when he was in danger. The thought of Spock abandoning him never occurred to him. And Spock never disappointed Kirk. Not even once. So what changed?

Sometimes Kirk would wonder if Spock loved him, but it was always as a joke. Vulcans were heartless; everyone knew this. Kirk being alive served Spock’s own interests. To the Vulcan, saving Kirk meant nothing more than that.

He doesn’t love you, just like you never loved anyone, Kirk told himself. Somehow, after what happened today, the words came out more bitter than Kirk intended. And now, he finally learned what it was like to love someone, and all he got in return was pain and fear. Such a destructive force love could be...

For the first time in his life, Captain Kirk was truly terrified.

***

Kirk looked around, but all he could see was dusty red dirt and rocky ground. This planet had no useful resources and was not a suitable place for colony. Totally useless. Not even the dog with a horn in Sulu’s arms could change this fact. Kirk requested a beam up.

 

The first thing Kirk felt was dizziness when his form appeared in the transporter room. It was as if he was losing something, like he couldn’t stop bleeding. He forced himself to walk down the platform as steadily as possible; after all, Scotty was still in the room.

“It’s a rough beam up,” Kirk complained, walking toward the door. Scotty followed him.

“Aye sir. Fisher beamed up before you and some minerals on his uniform affected the transporter.” Scotty shrugged, but after he saw Kirk’s expression he hurriedly added, “I’m just on my way to get the diagnostic equipment.”

“Keep the transporter room secured. Gods know what else we could have beamed aboard.” Like that mad doctor Van Gelder, from the Tantalus colony... Kirk suppressed a shiver.

“Aye, I’ll order a fella here soon.”

They parted at the next turn. Kirk went back to his quarters and suddenly felt exhausted. What happened? It wasn’t like he’d had a hard mission or anything... He pinched the bridge of his nose impatiently. After less than a minute’s mental struggle, he yielded to the desire to take a real hot water shower, instead of a quick sonic one. After that, he still had no clue as to why he felt so tired.

What’s wrong with me, Kirk sighed, his mind drifting to his conversation with Scotty, and geological technician Fisher. He seldom saw him on the Enterprise, because he was in the science department and that was Spock’s concern. But he knew him, because everyone could be an enemy and Kirk didn’t want to die at the hands of an unknown. He was pretty sure Fisher wanted to kill him. Why? He didn’t know and he didn’t care. Down on the planet, he caught the way Fisher looked at him. Kirk trusted his intuition enough to know that look meant hate, which equaled death. Fisher would never be a threat to him; he didn’t even know how to hide his emotions. But still, Kirk thought it would be best to visit McCoy. If the transporter didn’t mess up his organs, he could always use a good drink with Bones.

***

Spock strode down the corridor, quickening his pace when he saw Kirk and his bodyguard, Farrell, walking ahead of him.

“Captain, I am pleased that you frustrated Mister Fisher’s plan. Though, of course, he is no match for you,” Spock said after Kirk acknowledged his presence.

The Captain stopped and stared at him. “What are you talking about, Spock? What plan?”

Spock knew Kirk was not like Pike, who would flaunt his success after he killed those who wanted his life, but Kirk would also never deny it when asked about it. Spock was momentarily confused.

“Fisher tried to assassinate you, Captain,” Spock said carefully, studying Kirk’s expression for any clue. Why would Kirk lie about this? “He failed and is in the booth now.” But Kirk only look more confused, and maybe, angry.

“Isn’t it too early to wish for my death, Spock?” Kirk snapped. “I was in my room, and then I went to sickbay.” Spock narrowed his eyes, but he stopped his words when he noticed the expressions of their bodyguards. They were interested, waiting for juicy details to tell other crewmembers.

They would threaten the Captain’s authority, and Spock would never allow this happened.

“There was no assassination attempt,” Kirk insisted, walking into a turbolift and turning. Spock waited outside, hands behind his back.

“If you insist.”

Kirk stared at him for a few seconds. “Bridge.” he said. Spock watched the door close and then turned back toward his quarters, full of thoughts.

He didn’t know what Kirk was up to this time, and it irritated him, because it would be harder for him to protect Kirk. He still remembered what Kirk was like after the incident on Tantalus...

_“It's hard to believe that a man could die of loneliness.” Doctor McCoy’s words were full of sarcasm. Spock knew he meant it as a joke, trying to cheer Kirk up. But Kirk didn’t laugh.._

_“Not when you've sat in that room,” he said. And that melancholic look on Kirk’s face, the sadness in his eyes, finally gave Spock a glimpse of how much Kirk was affected by what happened down there._

_Adams had truly hurt Kirk. Spock wished he could use tal‐shaya on that human._

That was also the time when Spock realized how protective he was of Kirk. How he couldn’t bear the thought of losing Kirk.

He knew it was wrong, illogical, and how furious Kirk would be if he ever found out about it, but he just couldn’t shake this feeling away. On the contrary, it grew so fast, like flowers blooming in Vulcan deserts after the first rain in a long time. His control and logic abandoned him when it concerned Kirk. It was alarming.

He would risk his own life to keep Kirk safe. Was this emotion... love? So powerful and destructive that he would forego his own life for someone else’s and... he was willing to do so.

For a moment, his emotion won, and Spock was afraid of what it could make him do. But in the end, he regained his control, just like so many times he did before, and put emotions aside. Stop analyzing them, he commanded himself.

The guard stopped outside when Spock stepped into his quarters. The door closed behind him.

“Lights, 50 percent.” Spock’s voice was rough, tired. He turned to his sleeping alcove, and suddenly noticed a figure sitting on his bed in the dim light. His dagger was in his hand in less than a second.

But then, he froze when he  saw who that person actually was.

His Captain stood up slowly, that same sadness back in  his eyes.

“Please help me, Spock,” his Captain sounded desperate, and just for one second Spock’s heart squeezed in pain. “You are my only hope.”

“How...” Spock fingers clenched hard on his dagger. “You were on the bridge.”

“Well, yeah.” the human smiled sheepishly. “But I’m also here.”

“It’s a long story.” he sighed.

 

***

Now everything made sense. The transporter malfunctioned, affected by the minerals on Fisher’s clothing, splitting Captain Kirk into two parts: the one he showed to the rest of the world, and the one he kept to himself, hidden under so many masks. The hidden part, James (the Kirk sitting in front of him insisted Spock call him thus), managed to defeat Fisher, who blamed his lover Helen Noel’s death on Kirk and tried to avenge  her. After dealing with this James felt insecure, so he went back to his quarters, entered  Spock’s quarters through the locked door in their shared bathroom, and waited for him.

Spock’s subconsciousness screamed that this must be  a trap or lie, but Spock was willing to take the chance , because it explained why Kirk would react like he did  when they met in the corridor, and Spock... trusted James Kirk, even though it sounded strange to his own ears.

“Why would you turn to me? Surely Dr. McCoy can help you.” The words might seem mean, but it was just a simple inquiry from Spock. Somehow, he knew the Kirk stood in front of him also knew that.

“I could, but I don’t think even a doctor can put two pieces back together as a whole...” James trailed off, his eyes lowered. “But I won’t lie to you. There’s another reason why I came to you, because I want to tell you something that I will never get the chance to say to you again. ”

The direction  of this conversation made Spock stop breathing. “What is it?”

“I think you know it.” James looked at Spock through his lashes. For a moment, Spock wanted touch him. “I always know that you will save me, that you will never fail me, that I trust you. ”

Spock raised an  eyebrow. “Trust me?”

“Of course Spock.” James seemed somewhat amused. “And I know... you do those things, because of a feeling we mutually share. ” James now looked straight into the Vulcan’s eyes. He dared Spock to say he was wrong.

Spock’s mouth was  dry. He had to clear his throat before he could start again. “I thought you would  never know.”

James barked a laugh. “I’m not blind, Spock. Being Captain also means being perceptive. How could I not know? You saved me far too many times and no First Officer would do this for  a Captain. You can’t cover it with the  lie that me being alive was just serving  your best interest. ”

How could he ever think he could  deceive Kirk? How stupid he was. Spock drew  a breath, gently touched the back of James’ left hand, then his arm, his neck, and finally his cheek, his hand near the human’s psi‐point. Spock saw James bite his lower lip nervously, but the human stood his ground , facing Spock without fear. Was he actually the source of Kirk’s bravery?

Like a planet being drawn in  to a black hole, Spock leaned in, unable to resist the  dream at his fingertips . James’ eyes were wide  in surprise, but he still didn’t move.

“Get the fuck away from him!”

Startled, both Spock and James pivoted toward the door of  their shared bathroom in surprise, and saw a furious James Kirk standing  there.

“Kirk‐”

His Captain stormed over , yanked James away from Spock, and swayed a little,  as if he had lost most of his strength. Spock tried to steady him, but Kirk backed away quickly.

“It’s all because of Fisher! I should have  just killed him, and you too, Spock! How dare you talk  to... to ME  like that‐ ”

“I went to Spock myself,” James said, receiving a death glare from Kirk.

It seemed Kirk didn’t know whether he should be angrier with Spock or... himself. Despite the seriousness of the situation , Spock found this interesting.

Finally, Kirk just huffed. “I don’t want him to run around like this. Get us back together, Mr. Spock.”

After they sent a shuttle craft for Sulu and the rest of landing party, and ran some more tests of the transporter, Scotty said it would work for now and Kirk could get ready.

James grabbed Spock before he got to the transporter, speaking  so quietly that no one else would hear what he said.

“Don’t let appearances fool  you. I’m still a part of the James Kirk you know, just deep down inside, in the heart. Remember what I said.”

A few minutes later, Spock got his Captain back, two parts fused as one.

For the rest of the day, Kirk avoided him. Spock would have none of that. He would confront Kirk, tonight.

***

“Come,” the familiar voice called. Spock was a little bit surprised that after his conversation with James today Kirk would still let him in. He remembered how hostile Kirk was, to him and James.

“Captain,” Spock said with a nod after the door closed.

“What do you wanna say?” Kirk was busying himself with some paperwork.

Spock frowned. “I think you know exactly what I come here for.” He softened his voice. “I want to tell you how important you are to me, and that your feelings... are returned.”

Kirk stood up, his shoulders tense. “What are you talking about?”

“Stop pretending, James.” Kirk flinched when he heard this name. “We both know better.”

“I would have said anything like that to you,  you damn Vulcan!” Kirk cursed. Suddenly, he looked like a trapped le’matya, dangerous and desperate.

_Your secrets are safe with me. You know I will never betray you. Yet..._

James’ words appeared in his mind. Don’t let appearance fool  you. “James‐”

“Stop it, Spock!” Kirk snapped, “Don’t make me kill you.” He closed his eyes as if he was in pain.

 

Spock saw his firm jaw line and his fists clenched tight .

For a moment, Spock didn’t know how to reply.

Kirk crossed his arms. “Do  you know what happened to Helen Noel?”

The sudden change of topic took Spock off guard. “I did not see her again after... what happened at the  Tantalus colony.” Spock started cautiously, “I signed no transfer request from her, so I assume, she must have seen something down there that she was not meant to, and you saw fit to... make her disappear.”

Kirk gave a curt nod. “Did you know what Adams did to me?” Before Spock could answer, Kirk continued: “He made me love her, with his machine. He made her my weakness and ordered me to surrender my ship, using her.”

“But you didn’t.” Spock’s voice was quiet .

“I didn’t, but Spock,” Kirk stared intensely into Spock’s eyes. “Don’t you see? I can’t have a weakness. She was, so I had to kill her. I’m the Captain, Spock. Don’t be my weakness...”

_Because I don’t want to kill you._

Even though Kirk didn’t say it, Spock knew it nonetheless. Only Kirk could turn a confession into refusal. “You spoke of loneliness,” Spock tried once more.

Kirk’s face hardened. “I did. But it’s the price I have to pay. You are dismissed, Commander.” The authority in Kirk’s voice could not be ignored. Spock stayed a little while longer, but couldn’t find any words that might  convince Kirk to... accept him? Trust him? Love him?

Nevertheless, he failed. He turned to leave.

“Oh, and you’re on beta shift now, until further notice.”

Spock closed his eyes in despair, and walked out into the bright corridor.

***

It was three months later when Dr. McCoy brought it  up. They were sharing a bottle of Saurian brandy in Kirk’s quarters. The Enterprise was flying silently in Altair Six’s orbit with two of the Empire’s other starships, like a predator, reminding the colony of the reason why they surrendered to the Empire.

“Did you know that hobgoblin threw a bowl of soup at  Chapel?”

“What?” Kirk blinked. Ever since Spock’s moved to  beta shift, he seldom saw him. So it was not that he was trying to avoid him or any news  about him. He had a large ship to run.

“You heard me,” McCoy continued  absentmindedly. “Actually, he’s been weird for quite some time. I just got the report from  his physical and he’s literally a mess. There's a growing imbalance of bodily functions, similar to how a human body would react if  huge amounts of adrenalin were constantly being pumped into our bloodstreams. I’m actually amazed that he’s still alive.”

“You should have let me know earlier,” Kirk said, his voice low and dangerous. McCoy just grinned. “Why, I thought you weren’t interested in this.”

“Of course not! I‐” Suddenly Kirk realized he had said too much. But McCoy just wouldn’t stop teasing him, and it was getting on his nerves.

“Go on. What were  you gonna say?”

Kirk just glared at him.

McCoy was finally serious. “You don’t have to tell me, but I can see something happened between you and Spock. You banished him to beta shift, you’re spending more time with me, and not  even complaining much. You are avoiding him.” The piercing blue eyes focused on him, making Kirk feel very uncomfortable. “I’m afraid if you keep ignoring him, you will have Sulu as your first officer.”

“Think about it, Kirk,” was  the last thing McCoy said before he left Kirk’s quarters, leaving Kirk deep in his thoughts.

After what Spock said to him three months earlier, Kirk could never lie to himself again. Yes, he had feelings for Spock, and yes, that might just be love, but this fact didn’t bring  him any joy. On the contrary, it just muddled  his mind with troublesome thoughts.

He trusted Spock, but only to some extent. Admitting Spock’s feeling towards him means a total trust, baring  his soul (if he had one) to Spock. And he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He just physically and mentally couldn’t.

And love...

A flash of pain shot through Kirk’s mind, making him wince. That was what love gave  him. Pain and fear and regret. He’d be better off without it. If only Spock didn’t say those things to him that night. If only they were just like before, doing their business, leaving out emotions.

Sometimes Kirk was a little bit jealous of  Vulcan control. But in the case of Spock, Kirk was controlling himself better... maybe.

Even though Kirk spent almost a whole afternoon thinking over this matter, he still couldn’t decide. The temptation of being with a companion was very strong, but he just couldn’t bring himself to trust someone so much. The price was too high.

He didn’t ask about Spock again.

***

“Captain, you’d better get down here,” McCoy’s urgent voice echoed in the bridge. Kirk’s heart skipped a beat. McCoy would never sound so urgent unless it was truly important. Kirk kept a  straight face, looking around the bridge and finally focusing  on Sulu.

“Sulu, you take the conn,” he said slowly. His pace was not hurried at all as  he walked toward turbolift. He hated Sulu’s face when he sat on the Captain’s chair.

When the lift opened again, he walked as fast as he could, ignoring all crewmen. “Where?” he barked  at a nurse when he got to the sickbay. The man  nervously pointed to a small room on the right side. Kirk stormed in.

It was the first time he had  a close look at Spock.

He was thin, and his skin was unnaturally white. A light sheen of sweat covered his forehead. The fever must be severe; Vulcans don’t sweat. He was restricted on the bed, moving restlessly, moaning in pain.

Kirk frowned.

“I can’t control his condition. He’ll die eventually, if his body didn’t get what it needs,” McCoy said from his position near the bed.

“Do you know what it is?”

McCoy shook  his head. “I tried, but he won’t talk. I’m hoping maybe he’ll open up to you.”

Kirk’s expression darkened. “What if he won’t  talk?” After a while he added: “What if I want him die?”

McCoy raised an  eyebrow in surprise, which looks ridiculous. “If he wants  to live, he has  to tell you. As for the latter... I know your... affection towards Spock. Just think... can you bear to lose him? Do you really want an Enterprise without him?”

McCoy checked some of Spock’s readings . “He’s stable now. He should be waking up anytime. ” With that, he left, leaving Kirk in  awkward silence.

A few minutes later, Spock woke up. Kirk studied  him, worried. “Captain?” Spock’s voice weak and hoarse.

Kirk hesitated, but still grabbed a glass of water and helped Spock with it. He  only finished less than half of a glass before Spock turned his head.

“What is it, Spock? You must tell me.”

“I’m afraid I can’t, Captain.”

Somehow Spock’s illness also added fuel to Kirk’s frustration and anger. “I order you to tell me!” he hissed.

Spock barely looked at him. “Captain, there are some things which transcend even a direct order.”

“But I can’t just let you die! Oh no Spock, you won’t die without my permission!” Kirk finally exploded, but Spock looked strangely peaceful . “I can’t let you die,” Kirk repeated helplessly. He didn’t know how to persuade this stubborn Vulcan.

“Why?” Spock looked intrigued.

Kirk cleared his throat. He didn’t want Spock to know his thoughts. “Well, if you died, then Sulu would be my first officer. I don’t want a first officer who is constantly looking for chances to  to stab me in the back.”

Somehow, Spock looked strangely satisfied. “Is that not a familiar reason?” he whispered weakly. Kirk glared at him, kept his silence, not wanting  to agree with Spock. The Vulcan sighed.

“It is called Pon Farr,” he started, his voice low. “The time of mating. It happens every seven years, during which Vulcans have no choice but to return home, bond with a wife, or die trying.”

“How much time do you still have?”

Spock didn’t reply until a few moments later, in a small voice. “Not much. The first stage of Plak‐tow, the blood fever, is fast approaching. After that, I doubt if I would  still be sane.”

Kirk considered for a few seconds, his face stern. “When did  you intend to tell me this ?” Spock didn’t reply. Kirk huffed in anger.

“We are nearly done  with Altair Six. I’ll get you back to Vulcan in time. But I’m not happy about  this. And I’m beaming down with you, because if you still want to serve on my ship with some random girl’s thoughts in your head, I have the right to know who she is.”

“Indeed, Captain.” Spock said, lowering  his eyes. He listened to the door closing and the sound of Kirk’s boots hitting the deck, moving farther and farther away from him.

***

Shortly after, Spock heard from McCoy that Kirk had a big fight with Komack. Kirk got five days for Spock to deal with his “problem” and since then, Enterprise was on warp 8, which angered Mr. Scott as well. 1.5 days later, they entered Vulcan’s orbit and Spock beamed  down with Captain Kirk, as well as  Doctor McCoy, who insisted on going because “I want to make sure both of you idiots are ok so Imperial Fleet won’t kill me, dammit!”

Vulcan welcomed him with warm weather. After he called for his wife, he felt his sanity and concentration quickly slipping away . He was barely able to introduce Kirk and McCoy to T’Pau. Then when he saw T’Pring walking in the distance, he was finally lost to plak‐tow.

He wanted to rip away all his clothes, because he felt like he was on fire. He could only hear blood drumming in his ears, his heart beating so fast that he wanted to explode. He searched for T’Pring’s face. Ah! There! Tall and cold as ever, if not worse. The male beside her looked familiar, but he couldn’t remember a name. He was a monster, barely listening to orders, driven  by his blinding desire to mate. Of course, in the still -sane part of himself, Spock hated all of it . He should have never agreed with  the Captain and Doctor. They should never come. They should never see him in this state.

T’Pau’s order was like a thunderstorm in his head, helping him momentarily concentrate as he obeyed . Just as he raised his arm to strike the shield, T’Pring stopped him, called for Kal‐if‐fee. And Spock was lost to the consuming fire again. He tried to concentrate, and then he heard Kirk’s name. T’Pau was telling him something and McCoy looked horrified. What was that? Spock narrowed his eyes and put all of his effort into clearing his mind . He heard it, it was about... champion, fight  to the death... A moment of sudden clarity hit Spock: T’Pring had chosen  Kirk as her champion and he had to fight Kirk to the death! No, no, he would never do this. How could he bare to hurt the one he cared for most? He was supposed to keep Kirk safe, and now, how ironic, he would be the death of Kirk, or...

Or, this place would be his last battlefield.

Kirk looked bewildered, T’Pring looked smug, and T’pau looked heartless, when Spock begged her to free Kirk, to let him go. But T’Pau refused him. Spock looked longingly at Kirk and knew there would be only one choice.

He would never hurt Kirk, and that’s the promise he would never break.

His hands suddenly became steady as he grabbed the dagger on his belt. He’d rather kill himself than fight against Kirk. All those years he fought alongside Kirk, he forgot there was even the possibility of fighting _against_ him. How stupid he was. And now, he had to pay the price.

Spock raised the dagger to his neck, vaguely aware of someone watching him. He felt the cold blade bite his skin , the coolness a relief in this haze of fire. He welcomed it‐

“Kroykah!” A male voice shouted. In the next second, the dagger was being ripped away. He blinked, and suddenly found he was so near Kirk that he was surrounded by Kirk’s scent. Spock drew  a deep breath.

“I’ll be her champion! I’ll fight him!” Spock heard Kirk shout. Instinct told him the challenge was accepted and the man standing in his personal space was his enemy. Spock growled in frustration, stepping back . He tried so hard to clear his mind, but his blood was  boiling and he had no choice but to follow his Vulcan compulsions . Somehow, he got a weapon in his hands. Spock lusted after his enemy’s blood, his face forming a twisted smile when he heard a gasp of  pain and smelled alien blood. His body was so excited, he couldn’t stop shaking.

T’Pau’s voice stopped him again, and he was  given a new weapon. His muscles remembered how to use it, though his mind didn’t. He swiped, he dragged, he squeezed, watching the fragile form twitching pathetically in his hands, feeling the way his enemy’s life force bled out of him. His mate would be pleased.

It must have been that his hands were too close to his victim, or that it was the last desperate call from the soon‐to‐be dead man, but he suddenly picked up the  thoughts from the man underneath him.

_StopStopStopCan’tBreatheDyingNONONONOSpockSPOCK!!!_

The thoughts felt so familiar. Spock tried hard to remember. He could almost grasp  it...

_Should have told him when I had the chance..._

That was the last thought, then there were  none. Spock blinked hard, trying  to see who he had killed, and saw‐

He abruptly dropped the ahn‐woon, staring at Kirk’s unmoving body, horrified.

So he still killed his beloved. Maybe some things were  just not meant to be.

He watched the doctor beam up with Kirk’s body. Numbly, Spock walked to T’Pring, demanding an explanation.

“I do not wish to marry you, Spock,” T’Pring said calmly, as if it was a simple answer. “I can only divorce you in this way. If Kirk killed you, it would be satisfying, because he would never want me, or trust me enough to be on his ship, so I could be with Stonn. If you killed Kirk, you would be court martialed because you killed the most promising  Captain in the Fleet without a direct order from HQ. Either way you would be dead, and no one could  interfere with my life with Stonn.”

Anger burned in Spock’s veins,, wanting  to strangle T’Pring right here and right now, but he controlled himself. Yes, he would be dead anyway, because he could  never bear to live  without Kirk. He turned away from the other Vulcans, and asked to beam up.

***

“Relax, Spock. No one will  be court martialed.” Spock never thought he would be able to hear this voice again! He watched as Kirk walked towards him, smiling, wondering how miracles could exist in this universe .

“James!” He wanted to hug him, to never let him go, but then Spock remembered they were in public. Not far away from them, Chapel and McCoy were staring intensely at them. Spock felt embarrassed, he cleared his throat.

“I'm pleased to see you, Captain. You seem uninjured. I am at something of a loss to understand it, however.”

“Blame McCoy. That was no tri‐ox compound he shot me with. He slipped in a neural paralyser. Knocked me out, simulated death,” Kirk said with a tiny smile.

Spock didn’t recall the injection part; his memory must have been affected far worse than he thought. But nevertheless, he was indeed glad that Kirk was alive.

However, he was not so happy when he finished his shift, sitting alone in his  quarters, wondering. He killed, or tried to kill, Kirk, and he partially succeeded. He still remembered the thoughts  he picked up from Kirk during their battle on Vulcan.

_StopStopStopCan’tBreatheDyingNONONONOSpockSPOCKSPOCK!!!_

_Should have told him when I had the  chance..._

He could still feel how helpless and desperate Kirk was at that moment . And he knew Kirk didn’t like feeling that way. Only being in control could make Kirk feel safe, and on Vulcan, Spock utterly deprived Kirk of that. How could he... No, Kirk would never give him a second chance. He recalled what happened three months ago, how Kirk reacted when he saw his weakness as  a threat. Spock would disappear too, just like Helen, without anyone noticing. Kirk was able to do it.

Yes, he did have regrets. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Kirk, he wanted to protect him, to be trusted by him, to share the cost  of being in command, the loneliness, with him. But now Spock had ruined everything. He didn’t even know how much time he still had when Kirk overrode  his code and walked into his room. Spock stood up, preparing for the final blow...

But he was not prepared for a very passionate human kiss.

When Kirk pulled away, Spock was still in the same position. Kirk squeezed his shoulders a little bit, then smiled nervously.

“Breathe.” he whispered, and Spock obeyed, collecting  himself.

“Why are you doing this?” Spock looked down at this human, searching for any clue that would tell him what was  going on. Would he kill him now? Was is a... goodbye kiss? What did Kirk have  in mind? His anxiety  grew with Kirk’s hesitation. Kirk never hesitated when he decided to kill someone. So what changed?

“When I was down there, while T’Pau was telling me about the ritual, I saw you standing  in the middle of the arena, shaking.” Spock closed his eyes,realizing how humiliating he acted. Kirk’s hand on his cheek startled him. He opened his eyes and found Kirk  in his personal space again, just like on Vulcan, when the human’s scent surrounded him. Kirk made sure Spock was looking at him, then he continued. “I really didn’t want to fight you, you know? I think it was the hardest decision I had to make in my life: let you kill me, or watch you die. Of course I didn’t want to die,” Kirk attempted to make a joke, but it came out more bitter than he planned. “And I actually thought about just letting you die, but I found... I couldn’t do that. Just the thought of losing you hurt like… like what I felt under that machine on Tantalus.”

“James...” Unable to resist anymore, Spock clutched  Kirk’s waist and pulled him into his arms. “I’m sorry I‐”

Kirk cut him off with a finger on his lips. “I haven’t quite finished yet. What really made me decide was when I saw you clutch your dagger and try to cut your own throat . You’d rather kill yourself than hurt me. No one has ever done anything like that for me.” Kirk’s voice grew smaller, “As I have never done that for anyone else.”

“But you chose to accept the challenge.” Spock’s mood darkened. “And I hurt you.” Spock raised his hand, trailing along Kirk’s neck. In the dim light of his quarters, he saw a light purple ring around Kirk’s neck. He did that. Even McCoy couldn’t cure this completely. He did that. To Kirk.

“I was willing, just like you were willing when you tried to commit suicide.” Kirk brushed Spock’s hand away. “And before I passed out, I realized how much I regretted not telling you what I felt, and not accepting you three months ago. I wished I wouldn’t have to be alone anymore before I died, and all I could think of  was you.”

“Me too, James, me too.” Spock still couldn’t believe himself. He leaned in to kiss Kirk again, in both the human and Vulcan way, enjoying the little sounds Kirk made.

Then Kirk broke the kiss. “But Spock, I don’t know what it is that I feel for you. It  doesn’t cause me pain. I’m not scared. It was beautiful. So if it’s not love, then what is it?”

Spock sighed, touching Kirk’s cheek lightly. “Why do we have to define it? We trust each other and would die for each other. Is that not  enough?”

“Gods, Spock,” Kirk laughed lightly. He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something more. But then he changed his mind. He pulled Spock’s head down, drawing him into another kiss.

The kiss they shared then was unlike any other kisses Kirk had before. It was messy, ungraceful, too eager, a kiss that would surely ruin his reputation as a lady's man. But Kirk didn't care. He pulled Spock harder against him, as if he wanted to melt into him, became one with him. Spock responded  with same enthusiasm. Their movements were jerky and rough; someone might assume they were hurting each other. But there was  such tenderness and passion in it. The heat was consuming them both. Kirk wanted more, he craved more. "It's not enough," he said when he broke the kiss to breath. "I need more, please, Spock." He didn't quite know what he was  begging for, but Spock seemed to get it. He slowly lifted his right hand, positioned it gently on Kirk's psi points.

"May I?" He asked softly, and Kirk's heart softened at  the tenderness.

"Yes..." Kirk closed his eyes, and felt pressure on his face.

He suddenly felt like he was hit by a torpedo while  flying a shuttlecraft ‐ the contact, the sudden shock, and then silence in the dark, only white noise in the background. There was no pain, but he felt like he’d just had the wind knocked out of him.

Then, he felt something‐ someone? ‐ pull him into an embrace. "James..." The deep, warm voice caressed him. Kirk inhaled, laying back, expecting a free fall, but it never came. Spock had him safe in his mind, and Kirk know he would always be safe with him.

Yet... he remembered the look Spock gave to “James”, and Kirk was suddenly afraid. He was afraid of what Spock would find in his mind. “James” was only a small part of him. Living in the Empire meant he could never show that side to anyone. He would disappoint Spock, because had he tricked him into loving someone else.

_I’m not who you want, Spock..._

_Not true. Kirk was surprised to hear/feel Spock’s response. When that part of you came  to me and said those words to me, he just confirmed what I had already guessed. He gave me the courage to go to you and  confess to you. For years, I’ve loved you. “James” was merely a catalyst that I was pleased to meet._

If it had happened  before, Kirk would surely be afraid. But now, being inside of Spock’s mind, he knew everything the Vulcan  said was true. No more doubts, no more games.  They were two souls bared in front of each other.

When he opened his eyes, he found himself lying on the bed. Spock was beside him, still maintaining  the mind meld, hugging  Kirk close to him. And then Spock looked into his eyes and soul.

The corner of Spock’s mouth curved up a little bit. “Breathe,” he whispered.

Kirk gasped so fast and hard that it made him cough. Spock rubbed his back lightly to ease his discomfort.

“It’s amazing, what you just shared with me.” Kirk’s finger traced the line of Spock’s beard, the shape of his lips and the curve of his ears. Kirk was amazed by how much affection he could actually display. He never thought he had that in him.

Spock caught Kirk’s wrists, pulling Kirk over him. “James, you truly made me believe in miracles. I was so sure you would kill me before you came to my quarters  and... ” amusement flashed in Spock’s dark eyes, “attacked me.”

“No, Spock!” Kirk covered Spock’s cheeks with his hands. “I would never be able to kill you. I meant it when I...said that three months ago, and I also mean it now.”

Spock hummed, his hands making comforting circles on Kirk’s back. “What would you like to do now?”

“Now?” Kirk slowly sat up, smiling  mischievously . “Now, would you like some proof?”

Kirk slowly stripped his uniform. Spock frowned as he revealed  more bruises and scrapes  he had given him  during their fight  on Vulcan.

“Don’t worry about it, Spock. They’ll  fade eventually.” Kirk pulled  Spock up and began to take off his clothes. Spock caught  his busy hands, stilling them. “Are you sure?” It had only been a few hours since their fight. Spock was sure Kirk must have been aching  all over his body.

“I am sure, and I need it. I need to feel you alive and with me. You didn’t die on Vulcan and I’m not mad, obsessed  with illusion.”

“Yes...” Spock let go of Kirk’s wrists, touching every inch of the golden skin he could reach while Kirk continued tugging  off his uniform . He kissed, nipped and licked, listening to Kirk’s moaning with pride. Gently, Kirk pushed Spock back down to the mattress. “Lube?” he asked, his cock rubbing against Spock’s thigh, pre‐come already making  a mess on his skin. Spock really didn’t mind.

Spock reached for the top drawer of his night stand, searched a few seconds , and found a small bottle of oil he used for his dry skin. “That will do.” Kirk grabbed the bottle and poured a gracious amount of oil on his palm. Spock was pretty sure Kirk preferred to top, so  he was shocked to see Kirk reach behind himself and begin  to work himself open. Spock played with Kirk’s nipples and penis to keep him excited, always stopped before he could bring Kirk over the edge.

Soon, three fingers could easily thrust in and out of Kirk’s hole, and he was getting impatient. He poured more on his palm, threw away the bottle, and started to slick  the oil over  Spock’s cock. Spock leaned back, enjoying Kirk’s enthusiasm and the intense feelings Kirk was giving him. He absolutely loved this.

Kirk lifted himself, positioning himself over Spock’s erection. He looked up into Spock’s eyes and Spock was lost again. He couldn’t help but kiss Kirk’s beautiful lips. He adjusted his angle slightly, and helped Kirk lower himself.

Spock rubbed his cock outside of Kirk’s hole for a few times, letting him get used to the feeling. Then, when Kirk was ready and eager for more, he added more force, pushing slowly. But Kirk was more eager than he anticipated. The human sat down, hissed when the tip of Spock’s cock breached his body. Then he kept sinking  down, unwilling to stop.

“No, James‐” Spock gasped, his words cut  off by the feeling of being  completely sheathed in  Kirk’s tight canal. Kirk was drawing short little breaths now, his body shivering  slightly from the shock. Spock kissed his neck to help  him relax, and after a few moments, he did. Spock started a gentle rhythm, thrusting in and out, soon, Kirk loosened up enough to move with Spock. Kirk put his hands on Spock’s chest, steadying himself, and lifted his hips higher and slammed down harder.

After a while, Kirk’s breathing became laboured. Considering his fresh  bruises and wounds, Spock gently stopped Kirk, and flipped them around in answer to  Kirk’s inquiring  sounds. Kirk panted in excitement as Spock began again at a slow pace. Not long, he was asking him to go  harder and faster. “Gods, Spock‐I‐I’m fine‐!” He drew  Spock closer, craving the  intimacy. Spock suddenly shifted his  angle, earning a small gasp from Kirk. He tried again, and this time, Kirk felt a strange new pleasure from inside, and he moaned uncontrollably.

“Spock, more! More!” He didn’t care how he would look in Spock’s eyes. The need to come was getting stronger and stronger and he knew he would reach his climax soon. “Spock please...” He was sure Spock could understand, and he did.

Spock slipped  a hand between their bodies, began tugging Kirk’s cock in time with his thrusts, drawing a long groan from Kirk. He grabbed the Vulcan’s head and pressed  their lips together for a long, passionate kiss that left both of them panting. “James, James I can’t‐” Kirk nodded, suddenly needing much more.

“Mi‐mind‐meld?” Kirk stammered. Spock hissed, and for a moment Kirk thought he did something wrong. But then Spock immediately changed his position, supporting his weight with his arm. His free hand leapt  to Kirk’s face instantly.

And then Kirk’s world exploded into white light and ecstasy. He felt that he was being held down and fucked hard, but at the same time he was also fucking in earnest . This was unfair! How could he deal with two sets of feelings from two people in one mind? And then he felt himself coming‐ actually, he didn’t even know if it was he who came or if it was Spock. But it didn’t matter anymore, because right now, they were one.

***

Spock look at the human who slept soundly beside him. He couldn’t control the urge to hold him close and smell his intoxicating scent. He yielded to his desire again, but this time, with joy and a heart full of adoration. He would cherish him forever and keep protecting him. He would kill anyone who dared to hurt his t’hy’la, and he knew Kirk would do the same for  him.

Who needed love, when they could have each other?

 

 

 

THE END


End file.
